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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| i'm following suit, i guess.
kayla got a new xanga & when i really think about it, my other one just isn't 'me' anymore...
& truthfully maybe it's kind of a way i feel i can leave the past couple of years behind.
not forget them, necessarily, because i've already tried that...ha.
but to close the book in a sense.
who knows.
but anyway.
here it is.
www.xanga.com/anyransom
love you,
amy christine.
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| some things, no matter how hard you try & how fervently you pray them away...stay.
& i'm still trying to figure out what God's purpose is in it.
is it a test of endurance? is it a form of refinement to spur on new strength?
i think the scary part is not knowing whether there's an end...it's scary to not see the light at the end of the tunnel or to know when you'll walk into it.
'this too shall pass' keeps popping into my mind.
& it's not that i don't trust Him...it's just that i wish i knew if there was a reason.
i mean, obviously there is, but in a sense i always wonder if i've dug myself into a hole over the years that i just can't seem to find my way out of.
& i wonder if somewhere along the line, i completely lied to myself & it's taking fall after fall to find the truth of the matter...
i still can't seem to understand what the lesson is or what God would have me do to learn it.
the first step in obedience, i'm finding, is to just stop. to do nothing else but open my heart & ears to listen to the Holy Spirit.
so often i leap & then ask for guidance. but how often do i actually WAIT on the Lord?
He's searching my heart & illuminating some of the deep, dark corners, but i'm still left with a big question mark.
part of the beauty of that relationship with God is the fact that we don't & will never fully understand His ways.
that's what keeps us constantly mystified. constantly seeking.
but there are questions in me that are almost literally screaming for clarity & finality, & i'm still not sure how to fully cope with them.
all in His time, i guess.
love,
amy christine. | | |
| 2006.
you were one of the most heartbreaking, yet beautiful years of my entire life.
i shall never forget you,
but it is time to move on.
time to move forward.
yesterday, randy was preaching about the fact that we are called to 'run the race' of life with confidence in knowing that the Lord has already won the wars we fight, internally & otherwise. he said that we aren't meant to swallow the poison of situations/things in our lives that trip us up & cause us to lose sight of Him, but that we are to walk away from them..surrendering every hurt, every form of resentment or fear, for the sake of the sacrifice of Christ. the burden isn't ours to carry...it isn't even ours to consider.
the only way to humble ourselves is to realize that despite our attempts to 'deal with' things & 'get over' things, the only real & permanent answer to the tests that we continually attempt & fail, is to surrender them to the One who has already experienced & found victory over them all...& to love Him with every part of our hearts that we're able, & to accept His gifts of grace & mercy to us. gifts given without reservation & in complete abundance, with the realization that He is enough & He has given us all we need to walk with Him in FREEDOM. in LOVE.
i am learning to love from a distance.
to love with sincerity, despite the open wounds i've received from those who know not what they do.
to love with passion & compassion...those who i've been blessed with in the here & now...& to know that my reward has nothing to do with how they respond to that love...because my reward is an eternal, irreplaceable one.
& to love in all purity & truth...knowing that the love i'm giving isn't even of my own capacity, for i am filled with & fueled by a love that is greater than any of us can fathom. it is not of ourselves or of anything we can fully comprehend on this earth.
thank God for that Love.
2007.
i'm ready.
love,
amy christine.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
philippians3:12-14.
p.s. i found out that i can't go to germany.
this is extremely disappointing, but i'm praying that maybe with this door closed, a window will open.
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| "It would be sentimental folly to expect men to trust one another when they obviously cannot be trusted. But at least they can learn to trust God. They can bring themselves to see that the mysterious power of God can, quite independently of human malice and error, protect men unaccountably against themselves, and that He can always turn evil into good, though perhaps not always in a sense that would be understood by the preachers of sunshine and uplift. If they can trust and love God, Who is infinitely wise and Who rules the lives of men, permitting them to use their freedom even to the point of almost incredible abuse, they can love men who are evil. They can learn to love them even in their sin, as God has loved them. If we can love the men we cannot trust (without trusting them foolishly) and if we can to some extent share the burden of their sin by identifying ourselves with them, then perhaps there is some hope of a kind of peace on earth, based not on the wisdom and the manipulations of men but on the inscrutable mercy of God."
-Thomas Merton
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| -to stop reading into everydamnthing that happens.
it is what it is. period.
-to not fall head over heels for someone who isn't falling head over heels with me.
otherwise, it's a waste of time & causes nothing but distraction & inevitably, heartbreak.
-to move to germany for two months.
-to love my friends & family more than i ever before have...to learn more everyday just how to do that.
-to finish at least one crossword puzzle a week without help or hints.
-to stop smoking & drink more water.
-to stop writing about him.
-to figure out what i'm meant to do with my life & to start pursuing it.
-to travel travel travel.
-to cry a lot less.
-to love Jesus more with every moment of everyday.
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